text message starters: part 17

cillianhelps:

• [MSG:] What if you jacked off onto some soil and then some humans started sprouting?
• [MSG:] I heard a grown man yell from somewhere else in the motel, “GODDAMMIT, MR. NOODLE.”
• [MSG:] For the last time, we are not naming our child “Actual Proof I Lost My Virginity!”
• [MSG:] What’s life without a pregnancy scare?
• [MSG:] There’s a man dressed as Jack Sparrow walking around the train station…
• [MSG:] WHAT THE HELL GOES ON WHEN I’M NOT AROUND IN THIS HOUSE?!
• [MSG:] I got a masters degree in being ignored.
• [MSG:] If I see another metaphor I’m gonna kill someone.
• [MSG:] We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcakes. We have the perfect relationship.
• [MSG:] He sneezed into my face mid-kiss.
• [MSG:] When you say “bless your heart” do you mean “bless your heart” or “you’re a fucking dumbass”?
• [MSG:] I’ve really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
• [MSG:] Well, PukeFest 2k14 just happened.
• [MSG:] We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
• [MSG:] The highlight of the evening is when you jacked off to a picture of your seventh grade math teacher in front of a room full of undergrad students.
• [MSG:] No worries, I’ve prioritized my homework into “can do drunk” and “should be sober” categories. We’re good.
• [MSG:] I’m giving head in a stairwell, I’ll be back in a few minutes. I’m so ashamed.
• [MSG:] With a MELON?!
• [MSG:] I can only rely on you and Taco Bell.
• [MSG:] Last night, justice was obtained. Justice, and a Slim Jim.
• [MSG:] I just shaved the Batman symbol into my pubes.
• [MSG:] Any explanations about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
• [MSG:] Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That’s my life now.
• [MSG:] It’ll be a “that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor” party.
• [MSG:] I’m like the Sherlock Holmes of figuring out people’s sexual fetishes.
• [MSG:] Would “deck the halls with penises ” be an appropriate event title?
• [MSG:] My grandma just told me that size does matter, and don’t let anyone tell you anything different.
• [MSG:] Don’t ask questions. I got your number from my friend. I understand you’ve got your eye on [name]. Take it from someone who knows… not the best idea.
• [MSG:] Stop selling my mother weed! She’s annoying as hell when she’s stoned.
• [MSG:] Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
• [MSG:] Homecoming’s not even over, and already 3 people have been caught smoking weed, 9 people have been caught having sex (including 1 threesome), 2 people have puked, and at least 10 people have grinded on a teacher by mistake. Go, class of 2014.
• [MSG:] I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
• [MSG:] I’m giving my fifteen year old sister blowjob advice. This is probably illegal somewhere.
• [MSG:] I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of “Bikini Profile Picture” season.
• [MSG:] Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the most ETHICAL method, but hey! Free margaritas!
• [MSG:] Someone in this bar yelled “OI, SLUT!” and I automatically looked up.
• [MSG:] I’m laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
• [MSG:] YOU SAID YOUR MOM DIDN’T KNOW. THE “CONGRATS ON TAKING MY CHILD’S VIRGINITY” CAKE SHE GAVE ME SAYS OTHERWISE.
• [MSG:] Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
• [MSG:] I’m pretty sure that pic you just sent me was meant for someone else. At least,I hope it was.
• [MSG:] No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we’ll call it even.
• [MSG:] I stopped you from sending your teacher nude pics last night. Once you sober up, you owe me, BIG TIME.
• [MSG:] Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
• [MSG:] You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake. It was impressive.
• [MSG:] He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
• [MSG:] Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka.
• [MSG:] That audition I went to? Turned out to be for porn.
• [MSG:] Can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
• [MSG:] It was weird. Like “Mom, Dad, here’s a guy who knows my orgasm face”.
• [MSG:] He may still have my jacket, but I still have his virginity so who’s the real winner here?
• [MSG:] Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk.
• [MSG:] It’s two AM, I’m high as shit, I can’t find my pants, and my car has a flat tire. STOP TEXTING ME YOUR DICK PICS.
• [MSG:] You know that hottie I landed in the bar last week and promised to call and then proceeded to never call again? Turns out she’s the boss at my new job. FML
• [MSG:] Pro tip: sex on a waterbed is not as good as an idea as it sounds.
• [MSG:] COPS ARE COMING. WARN THE OTHERS.
• [MSG:] I don’t care how ugly she is, I can’t turn down a free movie and blowjob. In this economy that’s downright irresponsible.
• [MSG:] You’re the third person to ever have sex with me. (Well, for free.)
• [MSG:] I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse.
• [MSG:] Um, that’s called prostitution.
• [MSG:] There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
• [MSG:] I think she’s perpetually drunk.
• [MSG:] ABORT ABORT ABORT I LOOKED HER UP SHE’S A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER AT OUR SCHOOL ABORT
• [MSG:] It’s called “lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year.”
• [MSG:] That’s your strangest euphemism for “blowjob” yet.
• [MSG:] I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
• [MSG:] Not sure what I need more… a shoulder to cry on or a dick to suck.